Is it time for champagne?

When my biggest health concern was diabetes I would log onto the internet where there is a huge community of people with Type 1 diabetes.  It brought me comfort to read what others had to say, to take advice and to share experiences living with this stupid disease.  I didn't feel so lonely in the diabetes world.   I felt like there were people out there that understood, that had the same experiences I had with doctors and insulin reactions and eyesight issues and the fears about how high blood sugar would destroy all the organs.  I liked knowing I wasn't alone in that world.  The online community was the biggest revolution for me since blood sugar checking equipment and the insulin pump.

But today I am experiencing great bouts of existential turmoil.  Even though my friends and family are more than supportive, beyond fantastic, dearer than I could ever have expected, I feel very much alone.   I feel myself slipping, slowly, quietly, headed somewhere I don't want to go - someplace without much hope.  (Seriously, I don't need anyone to try and cheer me up - that's not what's called for in times like this.)  The ALS online community is very different than the one focussed on diabetes.  I go back to that community where I was so comfortable (although I wouldn't wish anyone to be a part of that either) and I think - my old friends have no idea how easy they have it.  This new community is filled with stories of people, bravely soldering on as they have vents and feeding tubes put in, as they are moved in wheelchairs and hoyer lifts, as they rely on others for everything.  They (we?)  are somewhere on the continuum of becoming immobilized, locked in - with minds that are still fully functional and aware.  It is not kind, it is not gentle.  There is no solution except the final one.  Is there some level in Dante's inferno for us?  BUT,  here's the weird thing - so many people in my new community focus primarily on the good parts in life - the connections with people with whom they share love and the other angels that help.   So I know my body is poised to give out on me, to fail me and betray me on a level never before imagined - but I also know my body will pass and the love I feel will always be there.  There is comfort and wisdom in this.  I've known this all along, but now it's the only thing I have left that I can count on.  I'm in unchartered territory.  We all are, it's just I have a front row seat.

I drink champagne when I'm happy, I drink champagne when I'm sad.  I don't know which I am right now, but it might be time to pull out that fine vintage bottle right now (and leave the cheap stuff for those who are spared this existential crap!)  Spread a little love today.  You will be glad you did!