My beautiful big brother

I want to say beautiful words to describe my dear brother but I am not creative enough or talented enough to do so.  He who has protected me, taken care of me, looked after me my whole life, is sick.  Very sick.  I have no words to comfort him.   I do not know what to do with my own feelings and emotions.  I feel so inadequate.

He called me yesterday, despondent. He tells me he just needed to hear my voice because I was so inspirational to him.  How can this be?  He is my hero.

Craig was always there for me (I have long ago forgiven him for his torturous treatment of me - the kid sister) and now I think, shit, is he paving the way to death also?  I want to tell him to give that up,  he can stop, he doesn't have to go that far to be the best big brother anyone ever had.  He does not have to die first. Get well damnit!

So here we are, both with tragic diseases and I wonder who will go first.  In spite of everything, he is fighting the nasty cancer with everything he has.  He has not given up his hope for recovery. And I have merely strived for acceptance in my own situation.  No battle for me.  Although death is foremost on my mind, and what that means to the life we still have, I cannot have that conversation with my brother- he is not ready to discuss that subject.  He is not there.  And so I try my hardest to be supportive of his process.

I love him more than words can say.  Thinking of losing him makes me weep.  Me, who wants to be so centered, philosophical!  I cry for myself, I cry for his kids, I cry for his wife and my mother and father and sister and all the many others who love him so very much.  I cry for him because he is not ready to go.  And we are not ready to let him go.

Is this how people feel about me?  How can I be better at helping those who love me better accept my death?  It is easier to die first I think.