I didn't go to one party this season and it was the right thing. I did host several gatherings of favorite trusted friends for my birthday, Christmas, New Year's Day and a few other nights to capitalize on the season and share the spirit. It was truly a tender and sweet holiday season.
I'm a very social person but the idea of seeing people I hadn't seen for awhile, or didn't know well, at some festive event, seemed untenable to me. Being put in the position of either saying things were fine or the more truthful answer (the ALS bombshell) seemed like a no win proposition. Still, I can't hide forever, and I am involved in a few different social circles so I decided to go the on-line social network route - email and facebook - to get this news out, let it absorb, so that it doesn't have to be the center of anyone's attention, or more aptly put - mine! It can get tedious and trying to talk about. I recognize this is big news but now if someone asks how I'm doing I don't have to have such a dramatic and exhausting conversation and we can talk about other things. Less drama please!
In great measure, the response I have received has been unbelievably heartfelt and wonderfully touching. The funny thing is, I can tell immediately whether someone has any idea about the ALS thing and its catastrophic ramifications. I know everyone has good intentions, but honestly we know what the road to hell is paved with. Maybe I should write - what not to say? What to say? A guide for the bewildered? A few comments were a bit jarring, even if they were true, like "we're all going to die someday"or, "hope you'll get better soon" or "you should check out coffee colonics." Needless to say, I know everyone means well and I'm blessing them all for their thoughts. Even those who can't respond - I get it. But it makes me think about how, in this culture, we are so often not comfortable with talking or thinking about the importance of embracing all parts of life, including sickness and yes, death.
For years, because of my diabetes I've felt the tick tick tick and along the way had some serious losses (the intimate deaths of a few very close good friends, partial blindness, etc.), so I've dealt with the idea of loss & death most of my life and I am comfortable and grateful for the perspective it has given me because I think it makes living a bit richer and brighter. The weird thing is, I've passed so many milestones and been so successful in kicking the end off into the distance that this one in a zillion diagnosis brings my life into further focus. Sharpened! Again!
And what I think matters to me the most in my relationships is honest acknowledgement about all that life is about and that sometimes it is not great, and it shouldn't be. Platitudes often fall far short of the mark - my "good" attitude will certainly help me, but honestly if you think it's going to cure me I think you're snorting monkey dust. If you think I just have to live each day to the fullest what I take away is that you don't really want to enter into a real conversation with me - either the good or the bad, but why pretend? Life is too short. Just as we celebrate happy circumstances and occasions, we need to give pain and sorrow a place, but some people sadly are not up to it. And that's okay, but I think when you don't truly acknowledge what someone else is going through, with compassion, then you're probably not allowing yourself to have those feelings either. And that is sad. All I know is that things change, so when things are good they won't always be, and likewise, when things are bad that too will change. But, we need to experience what we're going through and honest communication demands acknowledgement. Otherwise we get stuck and that's not a good life.
I forgive ignorance, misguided advice, lack of acknowledgement and even for complete lack of comprehension. I know people wish me well and don't always know how to express it. I'm going to take that positive energy and absorb it. In turn, I'm going to work on being more generous with my understanding and compassion for people who are unable to step up because I know pain when I see it.
hi sarah,
ReplyDeleteI am reading, listening and hearing what you say.
love heidi
Hasna Here - I'm going to be as me as I can be so you can be as you as you can be. Hopefully I won't put my foot in my mouth or sit on a pink elephant.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about knowing when and how we will significantly change the way we live. That we will change -cross over, pass, whatever- is certain. Some plan to leave and they go on their own. Some are taken quite by surprise. Most don't really think about it. They live as if they will never change not even when they are old or ill. Others -like you, like our elders- know better. I've been thinking about that perspective of life and the ways in which it affects someone. Knowing when and how. Plenty of adjectives and attributes come to mind. Silence too.